You're in a meeting with your peers. The team is stuck on a problem, and you offer a suggestion. Before you even finish your sentence, a colleague interrupts:
"That doesn’t make any sense."
You feel your face heat up. Your mind races: She’s a jerk. My idea was stupid. Now I look bad in front of everyone. Annoyance, embarrassment, maybe even anger bubble up.
Moments like this trigger our natural, reactive response to conflict. Something happens that doesn’t align with how we’d like things to be, and—without even realizing it—we jump into an automatic cycle:
An event occurs (someone says or does something—or doesn’t).
It conflicts with what we want or expect (a need of ours is unmet).
Emotions erupt (frustration, anger, fear).
We judge the event (blaming the other person or ourselves).
This cycle happens so quickly that we don’t even notice it unfolding. And here’s the counterintuitive insight: what truly causes our distress isn’t the event itself—it’s our reaction to an unmet need.
Interrupting the Automatic Cycle
Let’s go back to that meeting. Instead of staying stuck in annoyance, you pause and ask yourself: What need of mine isn't being met right now? This question shifts you away from blaming your colleague or yourself towards curiosity.
Once you identify the need - let's say it's to be respected - you have more choices. Instead of reacting defensively, you could take a breath and say:
"I hear that you don’t think my idea makes sense. You may be right, but it's important to me that my input be respected - can you tell me what you see wrong with the idea?
This shifts the conversation. Instead of fueling conflict, you move it towards solving the problem.
Applying This to Others
Once you’ve practiced reframing your own responses, you can start using this approach to better understand others. Think about your colleague. Why did they react that way? What need were they trying to meet? Maybe they have a need to feel in control, and your idea challenged that need.
By considering this, you might respond differently:
"I’m guessing you’re eager to get this problem solved quickly, as am I. Could we agree to take a few minutes to brainstorm solutions together?"
Now, instead of clashing, you’re collaborating.
A Practical Tool for Everyday Conflict
This approach, based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg*, gives us a practical tool for handling conflict—whether in meetings, relationships, or daily life. Instead of reacting automatically, we can pause, recognize our unmet need, and choose a more effective response.
Here’s a short list of common human needs:
Respect
Understanding
Autonomy
Trust
Emotional safety
Recognition
Clarity
Next time you feel triggered by conflict, try this simple shift: Ask yourself what need of yours isn’t being met—and how you can address it. It’s a small change that can transform the way you navigate difficult conversations.
For a deeper exploration into this approach, please request my Conflict Reframing Tool.
*Based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, Phd – Nonviolent Communication. See also Ike Lasater - Words That Work in Business
